mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
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