i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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