How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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