One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
