just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
