There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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