I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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