i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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