Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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