standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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