if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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