so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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