i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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