don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
