the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
