Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
True college students do jello shots in the library
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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