The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
