well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
