I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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