Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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