Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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