did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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