White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
