why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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