Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
