i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
