Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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