i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
