I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
