Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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