As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
3pm strippers are depressing
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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