He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
