i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
