does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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