I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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