why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
