Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
