Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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