No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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