Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We need to get me chipped asap
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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