obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
