I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
