you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
