I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
