I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
