I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
