I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
