Your dad touched me again.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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