My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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