All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
